That is what I feel like tonight as I sit here remembering my mother. It's been four months now since she passed away and the grief just comes out of nowhere and knocks me senseless. I must be senseless right now since I know my logical mind doesn't usually allow me to bare this much soul online.
I usually feel like I put up a very brave front -- few public tears, laughter as if nothing this sad and awful could possibly be happening to me. Some days I even wonder, "What's wrong with me? Am I done with the whole grieving thing? Wow, that was quick." But some nights, the sadness just comes barreling into me, making the tears fall like, well something poetically tragic that I just can't think of right now. No idea, really, what's triggered this current onslaught. A stroll through Lowe's yesterday afternoon in search of kitchen tile brought on tears as I hit the ridiculously gaudy Christmas section, a section I know my mom would've loved. Sometimes there's just this dull emptiness....
I'm so frustrated and even a little pissed off that I can't just pick the phone and call her anymore. Such a cliche, but all the little things I took for granted are the things I miss about her the most. Her calling, leaving message after message, wanting to talk to Koa on the phone even though all she'd do is stand there and nod. Knowing I could always get good parking when she was with me because of her handicap placard. I can't even begin to describe how angry I am at myself for not realizing how little time we had left.
Ah, enough for now. This crying jag has left me weary and my logical brain is telling me that it's way past my bedtime.
Paint It Black by Janet Fitch
